2nd Christmas Without You……..

Reflecting back on Christmas 2018, I can honestly say that I don’t remember it completely. I know I got Matthew the picture of him with Noah on the back of their dad’s truck, and many of our gifts centred around Noah. Otherwise, I know we had dinner at our friend’s house, but again very little memory of it. I thought it was the Christmas I wanted to forget, but fast forward to Christmas 2019, and I realize I was wrong.

This past year has seen drastic changes for us. It was our year of “firsts” and adjusting to not having Noah walk through the door. It was also the year that Matthew went off to school. My heart has been torn apart this past year and it still feels like it is floating in a million tiny pieces. We went from a house of 4 adults and a dog, to 2 adults and a dog. The silence of not having children in the house is deafening. No laughter, no yelling at you from another room, or asking if you remembered to put “their” stuff in the dryer. The little things, the things I feel the void of so deeply.

I have truly struggled with Christmas this year. I feel no emotion about the day, but overwhelming emotion about Noah. Triggers everywhere. A friend reaching out to say “I am thinking about you,” to a song, or a yearly gift, or a tradition. Everyone says that we need to make new traditions, but I don’t think people understand how wrong that feels when you lose a child. There is a part of you that feels like you are eliminating them from your family, leaving them behind, like they never existed. I just can’t feel right about it. I want all the traditions we had as a family of 4, which sounds simple to do, but really it isn’t. When you go to carry on a tradition, you so clearly see and feel that the 4th is missing. It may have been the twinkle in his eye that I would notice because he loved Christmas, or the funny voices he would do with Matthew while en route to find the perfect tree, or the way he would throw his arms around me and just hug me, just because. Simple, little things…….gone.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself in these shoes for the past year. You probably don’t want to, or if you try, you just can’t even imagine. Of course you can’t because it is the unimaginable. That is a good thing, because I would never want anyone to feel even a minute piece of what it is like. Now, try to imagine how life altering it would be to lose a piece of you. I like to compare it to when someone loses a limb. They can feel that it is gone, they can see it is gone, they recognize how hard life is now without it, and in that same second, they may have phantom pains, where they believe it is still there. I get phantom pains in my heart. Your mind gets exhausted from the games it plays on itself.

This year for Christmas, I want for nothing, except to have Noah back. As I write that, the tears start flowing because I still wish for that everyday. A wish that can never be fulfilled. I grew that beautiful human inside of me. I remember the first time he moved, I remember feeling such love for this human that it felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I remember his Christmas concerts and having a friend pretend that he was Santa in our house and videotaping it so that he would continue to believe. I remember how beautiful he was, and how I didn’t feel I deserved such a perfect gift.

Out of all the holidays, Christmas is probably the worst when you have lost a child. You see all the posts of families in matching pyjamas, and people wishing Merry Christmas to everyone, and you feel nothing, just nothing. One feels dead on the inside, but putting on a great facade on the outside. Grieving is hard.

If I could have one more wish, it would be that people give the best gift of all to their loved ones, the gift of presence. Disconnect from the outside world for Christmas with your loved ones. Watch their eyes and their faces as they open the gifts. Put those in your memory bank. They are the moments you won’t get back. We all figure that we have so much time here on earth that we don’t need to be all that for others, but here is the thing………….you do, especially for your children. If you got them toys then play with them, don’t be a bystander. If you got them their favorite music, listen to it with them and have a dance party. If you are preparing food, ask them to help you. Very simple tasks that we can do for others, that gives them the gift of presence. I believe in the end, that is all we really want. The material objects will end up in the back of a closet, but the memories you create today will stay with you and your loved ones for a lifetime. Make memories and give them the gift of “you.”

Merry Christmas from our house to yours.