January 1, 2020

The last day of 2019 was an extremely emotional day for me. I could not stop the tears. I felt emotionally dead on Christmas day, and now I feel like I have been thrown back in time, to October 4, 2018.

We stayed home on this “momentous” New Year’s Eve. (Insert some sarcasm there….) I was on my computer and I see all the posts about how fabulous everyone knows 2020 is going to be. I literally cried when I saw them. I cried because I use to look forward, now I tend to look back because that is where my family was complete and whole and where everything felt right.

There are pieces of the past decade that can just take a one way hike to anywhere. It has to have been the most difficult 10 years of my life……ever. Our family went through some horrible times, struggled, dealt with life altering injuries, yet came out the other end, somehow. We would be rich if we got paid every time we said “we will just make it work, somehow.” I don’t know how we did it, but we did. I should feel really good about that, but strangely enough, I don’t. I have said it before that I feel like I have been “punished” for some reason, throughout my life, however some call it “being tested.” Tested to see how strong I really am. Tested to see if our marriage could withstand such turmoil. Tested to see if I care enough to push myself to past these tests. These were all prior to Noah dying. I would say we passed those tests. But then we have our son pass away, and we get the same damn tests again. We have passed them again, I think. I am tired, and I am tired of being tested. I give.

In the past decade, I also watched someone very close to me struggle as well. His world, as he knew it, blew up. He became a lost soul, one who didn’t believe he was worthy of life or love. I grieved for this beautiful human because I could feel his pain, see his agony, and not fix it. All I could do was be there as best I could by letting him know he was important, and letting him know that I needed him, even if he felt he wasn’t needed, and I loved him, more than life itself. Slowly, over time, he found himself again and learned to love himself. I don’t say “love himself again” because I don’t know that he really did prior to his world imploding. He was so busy doing for everyone else and not thinking of himself as a human who deserved love. He looked at himself as a commodity. Watching his journey to becoming the amazing human he is today, has been inspirational. Many times he told me that my boys made him feel loved and lovable, when he didn’t believe he was. I am so proud of who he is today, and I love him more than I ever did before. He is a connection that I am grateful for, daily.

The past decade had milestones to it as well. My kids went from being children, to teenagers, to young adults. I was proud of them through every phase of their lives during the past decade. They both grew into amazing young men that anyone would be proud of. They both managed honor roll all through high school, while learning in French. They both played sports that they loved, and excelled in them. They both learned to drive and they both graduated with a double dogwood diploma. Noah became a journeyman electrician and Matthew is loving life at college. My children have always been, and always will be my greatest accomplishment. I will admit that over the past 10 years, I have accomplished some amazing feats in my job, and I am proud of them, but not near as proud as I am of my boys. They are the one thing in my life that I did absolutely right.

Here is where I struggle with venturing into the future. Like any parent, I had thought about my children’s’ lives in the years to come. Completing their education, getting a meaningful job, meeting the love of their lives, getting engaged, getting married, and having children. I am grateful that I will still get all those with Matthew, and the thought of his future gives us something to look forward to. Then there is the void, the loss of what would have been. For every future upside to something in life for Matthew, you remember the downside. The part where Noah won’t get to experience those life changing events, and where we didn’t get to bear witness to them. I imagine that for the rest of Matthew’s life, he will think the same way. Noah was going to be his best man. That was a given. Matthew was going to be Noah’s best man. Logically, you know that he will have someone close to him in his life that will fill that role for him, but it won’t be the same. As I write this, I am already feeling the gaping hole on that day, because we know what should have been.

People that have not lost a child, don’t think the same way as a parent that has suffered that loss. I have lost aunts, uncles, grandparents and parents. Believe me when I tell you, the depth of loss is not the same. It makes sense that they don’t think the same as I, because all they have, in this moment, is the ability to look forward to these events. I get it. I was them. It is hard to put into words how this feels. All that comes to mind is life altering. My vision for my children’s future will never be the same.

I don’t know what 2020 will bring, but I do know that my “life vision” is much shorter. I will live day to day. I will still wake up and be grateful that I did. I will still tell those that are important to me how I feel about them, and that I love them. I will continue to be so very cognizant of my amazing husband, and recognize that he feels the pain as deeply as I do and that he can have a bad day, and that is okay. I will continue to keep my heart open to those that want me in theirs, and I will try to keep mine open for those that don’t. I will learn to accept that people view grief differently, and I will not judge them for having an opinion about my grief journey. Perhaps I can teach them a thing or two that will help them to better understand. I will also try not to judge the people that are distancing themselves from me, or feel that I should be further along in “my grief and letting go.” I understand that I will always be at a different place than they are from now on. Hopefully, they will learn to accept me as I am.

Last, but most certainly not least, I will be grateful every single day that I was given the honor of being Noah’s mom. That is a gift and a privilege that is all mine, and one that I will wear with pride every day in 2020.