Covid-19 and Me

I don’t know about everyone else, but self isolation is nothing new to me. Since the day Noah died, there is nowhere I would rather be, than inside the four walls of my home. You see, it is a safe place. A place where I can feel what I need to feel, react how I need to react, and pull myself together, whatever that may look like.

Self isolation is a symptom of grief. One tends to “hide” from society because it just makes life much simpler. We don’t have to answer to anyone, except ourselves.

For me, self isolation is really a protection mechanism that I have been doing for quite a while. Little did I know that I was practicing what would become the norm for society with Covid-19, however for me it was a way of protecting myself from the world. I don’t have to see people. I don’t have to struggle with putting on a happy face, when inside I am crying. I don’t have to answer questions that one day may be easy to answer, and other days extremely difficult. I don’t have to be the person at work that is supposed to be strong for everyone that counts on me. I don’t have to focus for long periods of time, or try to remember a list of things all at the same time. I can allow myself to listen to a song, in its’ entirety and allow myself to feel all the emotions that surge to the surface. I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. It really is a safe bubble for me to reside in, with no explanation needed, and one that I am quite comfortable in.

After being in the house for about a week, I had to head out to work. My day had a purpose, and I felt good about that. While driving in to work, I couldn’t help but feel like I was in an apocalyptic movie. On a normal day, there would be a steady stream of traffic heading in to town, but not now. I could drive for quite a while without witnessing anyone else on the road. The reality of Covid was clear. It had driven people into their homes.

On my way home from work, I had to stop and get groceries. I had been seeing the news, and hearing all the stories, but I was in my bubble, so I had this unreal thought that it didn’t affect me. As I approached the store, I could feel an anxiety attack coming. That, in itself, worried me as I have been able to manage my anxiety quite well. I felt like I was walking into an “unknown” and it panicked me a bit. As I enter the store and start grabbing just what I needed, I notice that I am talking to myself in my head. “Am I far enough away from that person?” “I just picked this up and now I don’t need it and I want to put it back, but are people looking at me like I am doing something wrong?” ” Am I being aware of how much of an item I am buying,” or “Am I standing far enough away from the grocery clerk so they feel safe?” It was mentally exhausting, and I was grateful when I got back to the safety of my car. One of my favorite things to do, is now the last thing I want to do.

The reality of Covid-19 hit me hard when I decided to go for a drive and take a care package to my mom. It was nice to get out, turn on my tunes, and just go. Within an hour, I am at my mom’s house. I get out of my car, grab the care package, put it at her door and ring her doorbell. I then go back to my car, because we must social distance ourselves. I see my mom through the glass, seeming hesitant to open the door. I think to myself that she must be feeling a bit unsure and perhaps scared. Eventually she opens the door, and sees me in her driveway. Tears are welling in her eyes, and I am crying. I can still see her with her hand over her mouth, just looking at me. I tell her that I love her and she replies the same. We chat for a few minutes, and during that entire time, I can feel my body holding itself back, because I want to just go and hug her and tell her everything will be okay. When it is time to leave, I get in my car, then open the window and wave and blow kisses and tell her again that I love her. I drive away crying.

Once home, I am grateful to be back in my bubble, but then being home with your thoughts all day can be hard too. I have found that the one sense that is always on high alert when home, is my hearing. The difference is that it isn’t what I am hearing, but rather what I am not. I miss Noah’s voice. I miss his laugh. I am so very grateful that Matthew is home with us and I know he is safe and healthy. However, I also know that he and Noah would be playing video games together, and I would hear the laughter, the name calling, the curse words and the giggles. I am so acutely aware that Noah is no longer here. There is a silent void in our house all day, every day. Listening to my boys together always brought me such joy and would always put a smile on my face. With technology today, Matthew can fill that void for himself by using a headset and interacting with his friends, but for me, I only get one side of the conversation. The silent void is deafening.

Working in childcare also brings another level of stress when managing through this pandemic. A sector that has forever struggled to be recognized as a much needed service for families, is all of a sudden being referred to as “essential.” As much as that is lovely for all childcare providers, it is also putting a pressure on them that they have never felt before. They are being asked to care for frontline workers children, in order to support them so they can go to work. This is understandable, but they are being asked to care for probably the most exposed age group in the Covid-19 scenario. Being in my position, I have 37 children and their families as well as 9 staff to think of. Trying to know what to do, and how to do it professionally and safely is a challenge. It is a constant balancing act between needs and safety. Not only do you feel like you have your staff’s livelihood on your shoulders, but also that of all the families. Stressful would be an understatement. Let’s hope that the world doesn’t forget these warriors value when we return to a new normal.

The world has changed because of Covid-19. People are in isolation, losing their jobs, unable to visit loved ones, hoarding goods. It is a time that none of us probably ever figured we would be a part of in our lives. Now, more than ever, we need to be reaching out to each other, checking in, helping however we can. I am sure all of us know someone who is living alone. Think about how difficult this must be for them. Sitting in their homes, alone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I can feel in my heart the loneliness they must be feeling. It is our humane duty to reach out to these people and remind them that they aren’t alone, that we are only a phone call away. In a time when we are expected to be apart, we all need to do whatever we can to make sure everyone feels connected. We are in this for the long haul, so let’s be kind to one another, be grateful, and let people know you love them.

Covid-19 is here, and it has changed our world as we know it. Whenever this beast leaves us, we will be given a second chance at being a kinder world. We can be choose to go back to the way we were or we can choose to be a more grateful, compassionate, and caring society. If, as a society we can make it through this together, then together we can create a better world for our next generation when this is done.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and let people know you love them. These should be the priorities right now. We have seen now that the rest can wait.