Silent Tears

After a highly emotional day, that was fraught with tears, I climb into bed, kiss my Noah pendant and say goodnight to my boy. As I lay in the silence, I start to speak to Noah in my head, like I do every night, only this night, the tears start coming. My eyes are closed and I feel one tear cascade down across my nose and onto my pillow. As I lay in the stillness, there is another, and then another, and then another. My mind is racing and my breathing is no longer even breaths. I can feel the emotion building inside me, slowly gaining ground and making me gasp. The tears are no longer one slowly after the other, they are now a continuous stream. Through all this I am talking to Noah in my head, and trying so hard to have him hear me. I need him to hear me! I tell him that I feel broken, and that I can’t even explain to him how much I miss him, and how my heart literally aches. I tell him I just want one more hug, one more “I love you,” one more date night, one more text, one more anything.

Why doesn’t he answer? Why doesn’t he yell back at me, “so do I mom, so do I.” Every night I ask him to come see me in my dreams, and yet he doesn’t. Why? Is it because I am still so sad? Do I need to feel differently or be happier for him to come? I wish I knew the answer because I would do it in a heartbeat…..if only I knew.

In my mind and through my tears, I am yelling and cursing at God too. I was brought up to believe in a higher power, yet so many times in my life, I feel like I have asked “Why me?” Why have I been the one that gets tested time and time again? Why am I the mother that was chosen on October 4, 2018 to lose her son? Why do you think you deserve to have him more than me? Why do you think you need him more than I do? Why do I have to feel such pain over and over? Why did you have to be so selfish and take one of the loves of my life? I honestly don’t know what I believe anymore, because I was taught that God is good. In my mind, I tell him that I don’t feel that way. I yell at Him and tell Him that I hate Him, and I am angry! I am angry at God for turning my life upside down and ripping my heart out of my chest. You took my child! If there is a God, I don’t know that I will ever forgive Him.

I cried silent tears for a very long time that night. My pillow, wet from the waterfall, was proof of that. I sat up in my bed, looking into the darkness, hoping I could see my boy there. All there was, was the darkness of my room.

I truly hope that I am done being tested, because I don’t think I could handle another one, and I have been given the biggest test of all, losing my boy. I have cried enough tears to last me a lifetime.