What’s in your toolbox?

I remember so very clearly the day our son Matthew was born. It was a typical day, nothing out of the ordinary. I didn’t feel all that great, but I figured that was normal being 8 1/2 months pregnant. I thought it may be a good idea to take a bath, try to relax and perhaps these nagging little cramps would go away. That was around 7:30am on March 12, 1999. At 10:10am, he entered the world and made my life complete.

I vividly remember holding him and thinking about what was to come. I thought of all the typical baby milestones and how wonderful it will be to watch him attain them. I quickly realized he was quite different from his brother! There was a personality in this young boy that was vivacious and gregarious. He was a mover and a shaker, one who went from being on the floor to walking, then to running. There was no crawling stage. Looking at Matthew now, I realize that he never changed the person he was from the time he filled my heart to now.

Fast forward 20 years, and here he is heading off to college! College! I still can’t believe it, or maybe I don’t want to believe it because along with his life changing, so is mine. As a mom, you try to raise your children to be independent, but who’s kidding who. We all tend to do way to much for them, and I am just as guilty as the next one. It is just another way for us to love them, and they certainly don’t complain when we do it.

He has been gone for a few days now, which normally wouldn’t bother me because I know he would be coming home in the next couple of days. But this time, it is different. For the first time ever, I am counting the months, not the days, and it feels like an eternity. I honestly don’t think the reality will hit me until I come home after work, and he doesn’t come through the door. I don’t get to tell the dog that Matthew is home. I don’t get “my time” with him to just sit and chat about our days. I won’t be able to do funny Snapchats with him. To some, it may sound mundane, but to me, it is “us.” That is what we did.

If all of this was a year ago, I would probably feel quite different. Different because Noah would be around and would help to fill the void. The reality is, the void is twice the size. Let’s face it, adjusting to Noah never walking through the door again, will never be. I feel that every single day. Logically, I know that this void is different, temporary, yet it is still another first in this year of firsts. When Noah died, I knew I had to be there for Matthew. I thought I had to be his rock, to be there whenever he needed me, because he was bound to, wasn’t he? The irony is that the vivacious and gregarious little boy that once stood in front of me, was now standing in front of me as a man. A strong, caring, compassionate human being, who ended up being my rock. He just knew when I needed a hug, or a hand to hold, or a shoulder to fall into and just cry. He just knew.

We raise our children with the hope that when they venture out on their own, that they have all the tools they need. He can take care of himself extremely well. He can make personal connections easily. He can be the best “best friend” anyone would want to have. He is compassionate, and caring, and kind, and funny, and personable, and athletic and smart. He has all the tools he needs. Sadly though, my toolbox is not so full……..

My toolbox is full of things for others. Moms, I think, forget to build a toolbox for themselves while they are parenting. They are so busy meeting the needs of others that they forget about themselves. There is always later, right? Well, here I am at the “later” part and I am not ready! All this time, I was helping Matthew build his, so that when the time came to cut the apron strings, he would transition easily, and so far he has. Over the course of the years, I thought I was doing the same, but I wasn’t. As much as I know that I need to cut them, and let him go, it is not as easy as one would think. When they move on, a part of you moves as well, but not in the same direction. You move to the “what now” stage. What am I suppose to do, where am I suppose to go, how am I suppose to be? For the past 23 years, I have been a mom and a wife first. Anything to do with “me” was never as important as being present for others. Now, all of a sudden, I need to be present for me, and I don’t know how to do that! I don’t know how to make myself MY priority. I feel like now I need to get to know myself, and with that means taking better care of me. They say that after a parent loses a child, they need to reinvent themselves. I haven’t even started that process, and now I need to learn how to adapt to my other son being away. My advice to all moms would be to start filling your toolbox now. Find interests for yourself, volunteer, surround yourself with friends. I don’t know that I am emotionally ready to take on ME, but I do know that I have lots of time now to focus on creating the new me. Baby steps……….