Strong vs Strength

Over the past 10 months, I have heard: “you are so strong” or “how do you find the strength to carry on?” When I hear these sayings, I usually find myself thinking “I don’t feel strong, but I must be portraying that somehow,” or “some days, I don’t know where the strength comes from.”

Although each of these words have multiple definitions, in the life that I am living now, the following would be the context in which I would see these words. The definition of strong is:
“able to perform a specified action well and powerfully .” The definition of strength is: “in a difficult situation, it is their confidence or courage”.

Just the other day, I said to my husband that I wished people didn’t tell me I am so strong. He asked me, why would you say that? My response was “because I feel like I have to wear this face all the time so I look like I am doing fine.” Now for those of you that have said this to me, and there are many, please don’t feel or think that you said something inappropriate to me, because you didn’t. I know that it has been said with love and respect. It was meant as a compliment, and that is exactly how I have heard it. Here’s the thing though, many days I do not feel strong. The one place I would expect me to be “strong” as per the definition, is at work, and most days I am not. When I reflect back on my life before Noah passed, I think I was sharper, quicker, able to multitask, able to remember (that is a big one), able to follow through, able to be the leader that my team needed. Fast forward to today, and many days I come home tired. I am tired because I am trying to be “strong” and that is physically draining. Tasks that use to be second nature seem to take much more time. Focusing is mentally draining, along with listening and processing. I can be in my office and realize I need to go into one of the program rooms for something. I get up, I walk into the other room, and I completely forget why I was going there. That is taxing on the brain, and so very frustrating.

Then there is strength. Do I have strength? I know I do, but strength isn’t something I just magically get on my own. I have a husband that gives me the strength to get up every day and try to be the best person I can be. I have my son Matthew, who gives me strength by telling me every single day just how much he loves me. I have my parents, siblings and my extended family that give me strength by quietly being at the ready, should I need them. I have co-workers that understand that tasks are harder for me to complete, yet their patience is never-ending. I have families in my programs that thank me for what I do, and appreciate it. I have friends from all different walks of my life that check in on me, or send me beautiful “I am thinking of you” texts, or call just to let me know that they are there for me. And last but certainly not least, I have my angel Noah, who is watching over me 24 hours a day, making sure that the grief that I am living with, doesn’t crush me.

When I look at strong versus strength, I realize that being strong is a hell of a lot of work, so it is no wonder I am tired. However, having strength is so much easier, because all the people in my circle provide it to me. I don’t have to work hard to have strength, it is given to me freely, openly and lovingly.

As we move through this life, perhaps we could all be more aware of how the little things we do provide strength to others. Most times we probably don’t even realize that someone is needing strength to muddle through or process whatever they are dealing with, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that we as humans can all fuel each other to make it through, whatever we are having to face. Make the time to be cognizant of the people around you, say hello, ask about their day, compliment them, or offer your help. Your one little act of kindness could just be the fuel for strength they needed that day.