Rest Stops and Traffic Jams

As we travel this road of grief, there are rest stops, which are the signs of beauty and love, and then there are traffic jams, which are the anxiety attacks or an overwhelming sadness that completely overtakes you. The worst though, is when you end up with a traffic jam in a rest stop…….

My son Matthew, he is a rest stop. He made a conscious decision to honor Noah in everything he does and every decision that he makes. He always lived by “Brothers First” while Noah was alive, and he has done the same in his death. He has proven time and time again that he is true to his word. He is an amazing brother, son and friend. He is beauty and love.

The ice arena, for the most part, was always a happy place for us. We grew up as a family at the rink, we made some of our best relationships and friendships at the rink, and we celebrated each other at the rink. But now, the idea of going to a rink turns that rest stop into a traffic jam. Even though it brought us so many wonderful times and creating life long memories, it brings anxiety, and sadness and tears. Noah died doing something he loved, but the memory for me is that it was at the rink.

My relationship with food and Noah was an absolute rest stop. He loved food, and he would gush all over me when I made his favorites. Ham, perogies, pot stickers, lasagna, any type of casserole, shepherd’s pie, but mostly his aunt Priscilla’s “striped delight” dessert. The list is actually endless, because Noah just loved food. Sadly, food has become, in some cases, a traffic jam in a rest stop. I can still prepare all his favorites and remember times that I made them for him, but it has brought me to tears on more than one occasion because I miss being able to cook for him. I miss him loving on me for filling his belly.

An ambulance. An ambulance, I just realized very recently, is a traffic jam. I guess until I had one driving right beside me, I hadn’t had it trigger me. It wasn’t beside me for long, but it took me back to that night at the rink, when Noah went in an ambulance……..alone. I didn’t go in it with him. By the time he was put in there, I had barely even seen him because I was being shielded from seeing exactly what was going on. He went with the medical crew, and we followed behind. That ambulance made me apologize out loud to him in my car. I apologized for not going with him. In that moment I felt like the worst mom ever. I felt like I had abandoned him at the most fragile time of his life. When he needed me most, I wasn’t there. I asked him to forgive me.

The sky used to not really have any impact on me at all, except for deciding what to wear that day. It may be clear blue, or cloudy, or raining. It just was what it was. I guess it was a rest stop although I didn’t know that until after Noah passed. The difference now is that the sky is a traffic jam in a rest stop. I can see the beauty in the clear blue now, or the clouds or the rain but I also feel such deep sadness when I look at the sky. People who have lost loved ones quite often say that they look to the sky for them. Perhaps that I why I end up in a traffic jam. I think I am typically looking for Noah in the beauty that is the sky, yet I don’t find him, or at least I haven’t yet.

My husband Rick, now he is a permanent rest stop for me. The depth of caring and love that I get from him on a daily basis is what keeps me going. He so beautifully understands and reminisces with me when I am at a rest stop, and he just as quickly takes the wheel when I am in a traffic jam. He talks to me, he allows me the tears, or joins me in the tears. When I apologize, which I do quite often, he reminds me that I have nothing to apologize for. He is my guide when I am in a traffic jam in a rest stop. He helps me navigate through it until I can steer clear of it. I am so very grateful to have him by my side. We all need a Rick in our lives.

For all of us, it is important to be able to recognize when we are at a rest stop. Take the time to absorb it, rejoice in it, or share it. When we are in a traffic jam, one must allow themselves the time to figure out how they got there or why they are there. Remember that when in a traffic jam, you are typically moving quite slow, so there is time to figure out what wrong turn did we make. Finally, when we end up in a traffic jam while in a rest stop, it is important that we be kind to ourselves, allow time to process it all, so that perhaps the traffic jam will open and we can just rest, at our rest stop.