A Few Hours of Peace

Today, my better half convinced me to go fishing with him. We are on our summer holidays and each day is long and slow, just how it should be. I thought I should try this fishing thing, since it had been a very, very long time. I believe I have gone once before with my husband, but beyond that the only memory I have of fishing was with my dad. It was “our time” together when I would go to visit him. We would fill a thermos with coffee and head out onto the lake in the early hours. Those are some of my fondest memories of my dad’s later years.

I am told that the lake isn’t very far, which was true, but he didn’t tell me it was a gravel road kind of ride. I held on to my Starbucks, trying not to lose a drop! We get to Silver Lake and I do my best to be helpful and not look like I don’t know what I am doing (which I didn’t.) We launch the boat, I not so gracefully climb in, and we are off. My husband gets a rod ready for me and we start trolling, (I think that is what it is called), around the lake. It is a beautiful sunny day, and only a few light clouds in the sky. I have taken to looking at the sky quite often as it makes me think of Noah. The colors around the lake are so vibrant, and the water is acting as a mirror for the beauty around it, reflecting the array of colors right back at me. I look around and it makes my mind flash to one of my favorite photos of my boys……

That one brief flash brings on a panic attack. My heart is racing, I feel light headed and it is hard to catch my breath. I close my eyes and try to deep breathe. That isn’t working, I still have the racing. I think to myself, “maybe if I tell my husband, maybe if I acknowledge it, it will go away.” Nope. I find myself chatting, trying to pretend it isn’t there, explaining why I think it is happening, like that will make it stop. Nothing is working, nothing is making it go away. In that moment, I give in, and let the attack run its course. I know I am not able to will it to stop, but I can continue to carry on. So I did. I have no idea how long it lasted, it felt like a long time, but it did eventually go away. I feel like I have won! I have survived another panic attack.

An acceptance came over me today. I accepted the fact that I truly cannot control when grief is going to raise its ugly head and perhaps ruin a moment, if I let it. I made the conscious choice to just let it happen. I took in the beauty, when it was hard to breathe. I felt the tranquility all around me, and I was in awe of this little lake, set perfectly in nature. I let the tears flow as I remembered that photo and how happy the boys were when they were together.

Death can tear you apart as a family and as a couple. I am grateful every day for the husband that I have. Although our son’s death has altered his very being, he is still there for me in my “moments.” He understands the attacks, the overwhelming sadness and that a piece of my heart is gone forever, and yet he continues to steer the boat, both while fishing and in our lives. He truly is one of my greatest blessings.