Family First, Family Matters

July 5, 2019 – Family First

Tonight, I am grateful, so very grateful.  For the past year I have been carrying a burden that has weighed me down in just trying to live and cope.  I have always been one to not rock the boat, so I typically will bear the weight instead.  I have had a heavy heart over a very personal situation, and no matter how I looked at it, there didn’t seem to be a way to break free from it without hurting someone.  Little did I realize that the only person I have been hurting is myself.

I was gifted the opportunity to face this situation head on tonight.  I knew in my heart it was something I had to do, but when it would happen, I had no clue.  So here it was, staring me in the face and now I had to take control of my own destiny.  This situation was within my family and I truly feared that should I let it rear its’ ugly head, I may lose someone that is very near and dear to me.  I was also being protective of my husband because I didn’t want him to be hurt or have a relationship that is just as important to him, impacted by my decision.  The ripple effect of my decision to confront this could have altered a piece of our lives forever.

So, I put on my big girl panties, and I did it! First and foremost, I had to let this person know that I loved them, and if I didn’t, then we wouldn’t be having the conversation that was about to happen.  I calmly sat with the person and went back in time and just waterfalled all the incidents, moments, interactions that had brought us right to the place that we were now in together, in that moment.  I expressed the emotions that I have felt over the last year – hurt, anger, fear, failure, another loss.  And you know what happened?  Nothing.  Nothing bad, nothing that wasn’t repairable, nothing that would linger.  I calmly explained that I have things to do in my life, for me, and navigating the grief that has married me, does not allow for me to carry anymore weight or burdens. 

At the end of it all, I came away knowing that I did the right thing, not just for me but for us.  I was told that I was loved, and that I am important and that I matter.  All the things I feared I wouldn’t hear.  I feared losing this person from my life, which was the last thing I wanted, but it was a chance I had to take to lose the “weight.”

I have become a different person since losing my son.  I feel like my feeling are magnified x 100 and I have realized that only I can take care of me.  I know that Noah was there with me, giving me strength and telling me I was doing great.  He was, and still is, one of my strongest supporters.