July 5, 2019 – Family First

Tonight, I am grateful, so very grateful.  For the past year I have been carrying a burden that has weighed me down in just trying to live and cope.  I have always been one to not rock the boat, so I typically will bear the weight instead.  I have had a heavy heart over a very personal situation, and no matter how I looked at it, there didn’t seem to be a way to break free from it without hurting someone.  Little did I realize that the only person I have been hurting is myself.

I was gifted the opportunity to face this situation head on tonight.  I knew in my heart it was something I had to do, but when it would happen, I had no clue.  So here it was, staring me in the face and now I had to take control of my own destiny.  This situation was within my family and I truly feared that should I let it rear its’ ugly head, I may lose someone that is very near and dear to me.  I was also being protective of my husband because I didn’t want him to be hurt or have a relationship that is just as important to him, impacted by my decision.  The ripple effect of my decision to confront this could have altered a piece of our lives forever.

So, I put on my big girl panties, and I did it! First and foremost, I had to let this person know that I loved them, and if I didn’t, then we wouldn’t be having the conversation that was about to happen.  I calmly sat with the person and went back in time and just waterfalled all the incidents, moments, interactions that had brought us right to the place that we were now in together, in that moment.  I expressed the emotions that I have felt over the last year – hurt, anger, fear, failure, another loss.  And you know what happened?  Nothing.  Nothing bad, nothing that wasn’t repairable, nothing that would linger.  I calmly explained that I have things to do in my life, for me, and navigating the grief that has married me, does not allow for me to carry anymore weight or burdens. 

At the end of it all, I came away knowing that I did the right thing, not just for me but for us.  I was told that I was loved, and that I am important and that I matter.  All the things I feared I wouldn’t hear.  I feared losing this person from my life, which was the last thing I wanted, but it was a chance I had to take to lose the “weight.”

I have become a different person since losing my son.  I feel like my feeling are magnified x 100 and I have realized that only I can take care of me.  I know that Noah was there with me, giving me strength and telling me I was doing great.  He was, and still is, one of my strongest supporters.

July 4, 2019. Nine months today since our boy passed away. It is also the start of the 8th Annual Trulsen Family Camping Trip. It brings such a mixture of emotions for me. The anniversary dates just flood me with flashbacks and I replay that moment over and over in my head. I haven’t been able to stuff those far into the back of my brain, and just store them there never to think of them again. I wish I could, but those memories are the start of our journey. The journey that has brought us such grief and sadness. A good friend of mine said to me tonight that the words “I miss him” don’t carry the weight of the actual feeling of missing him. So true. The weight is sometimes too much for one person to carry.Along with the emotions is the vivid reminder that Noah won’t be at the camping trip this year. Another first. He was all about family and he loved his family with all his heart. He was a genuine soul who really meant it when he would say “it is so good to see you” and would throw his arms around you in a giant hug. He loved playing with all the kids and would be the first one to join in with them. I am sure they will feel the void of him this year, and that makes my heart sad. Children shouldn’t have to feel such pain.I feel anxious because I don’t know how I am going to feel this weekend, how I am going to react. I just hope I find the strength, and if I am weak at times, I will accept that and carry on because he would expect no less. As always Noah, we will have you in our hearts every minute of every day. As I sit here with tears streaming, I can’t help but remind myself that every emotion I feel is because I love you more than life itself❤️

People say that time flies, but so many times in the last 8 months, it has stood still. It comes out of nowhere and it washes over me like a tsunami. I can be going through my day, thinking I am coping and managing pretty well, and one “moment” in time alters me completely and reminds me just how big the void is. It can be as simple as unloading the dishwasher, or cooking a meal. Then there are moments that aren’t about my relationship with Noah, but about the relationship he had with others and it affects me the same.
Matthew has been trying to decide what school to go to and at one point in our texts he says “Honestly mom, I wish I could ask Noah….he always knew what was best for me.” I replied with “What do you think he would say?” “Do what I want and not what anyone else wants……and that he loves me.” I was at work when this conversation happened, and in that moment, my heart broke for Matthew and I was reminded just how special their relationship was for both of them. Two brothers that had a bond so strong that was filled with love and respect for each other………..brothers first.
Through Noah’s death, we gained some amazing friends. We celebrated a graduation this past weekend with them. In the midst of it all, time seemed to stop, and I could imagine Noah being there and how he would be laughing, joking, hugging and being so extremely proud of Alyssa. There it is, the void.
We have plans throughout the summer that in the past included Noah, and I can already feel the void, and it makes me feel like I want to change them somehow, to something new, so I don’t have to feel the tsunami.
I have learned though, that the void or tsunami, is LOVE. Such immeasurable love for my boy. I know that I love him more than life itself, and each of these moments is just a reminder of that. I also realize that it is his love for everyone that was important to him in his life. Because I know this, I will continue through the rest of my life feeling these voids because my love for him will never end❤️

Seven months and one day ago I heard your voice, hugged you, gave you a hook and told you I love you. I have learned much in the last seven months, but I truly learned a lot in this past week away.
I learned that having good friends is important. People that love and accept you, and all that you are going through and quietly understand.
I learned that I don’t need to apologize, although I feel like I should, when tears overtake me.
I learned that I will have good times, and still be able to make memories.
I learned that grief will sneak up on you at the most inopportune times, and it will control you in that moment, and you just have to let it.
I learned that there are triggers everywhere, no matter how far you travel away from home.
I learned that sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone, and just be in the moment. 
I learned that taking photos, no matter how much you hate having your picture taken, is important for your children.
I learned that perhaps our loved ones do send signs that they are near.
I learned that I truly am blessed to have my best friend and husband by my side through all of this.
I learned that this is my new normal. So many parts have changed since October 4, 2018.
I learned that I must take each day as it comes, good, bad or ugly and just do the best that I can.
I love you to the moon and beyond Noah, but this I already knew❤️

6 months ago today, we faced every parent’s worst nightmare. I held Noah’s hand, told him I love him more than life itself, and kissed him goodbye. That moment in my life changed me. 
It created “triggers,” and even though I try to ignore them, they sneak up on me and create feelings and emotions that rip my heart and make tears flow. I try so very hard to go through the day looking “normal” because I see everyone else living their lives and carrying on. Isn’t that what they should be doing? Isn’t that what we should be doing? Of course it is, but my life doesn’t always feel that way.
The simplest of things are triggers of emotions. They are everywhere. When I dust the house and pick up each memento we have of Noah and lovingly clean it, when I cook a meal that was one of his favorites (and there are many), when we are watching a TV show and it replicates that night. The other day I drove by Twin Rinks and felt a flood of anxiety come over me because your mind flashes to those “moments.” Yesterday one of the children told me they loved my “angel wing” on my hoodie and that is was beautiful. I turned my eyes upward and said I thought it was too.
Every night, I kiss my pendant that I wear and say “Goodnight my boy, I love you.” Most nights I close my eyes with tears streaming down my cheeks. This is the time in each of my days that I allow myself to “feel” the ache of him being gone because during the day, I have to be present for others. 
There is also a quiet understanding now between Rick and I. At first, we would ask each other “are you okay?” when the tears flowed. Now, we don’t ask, we just know. We have learned over the 6 months that we both have triggers, and we know what triggers each other. We let the emotions come whenever, wherever because we need to in order to heal.
I share our journey with all of you because I hope it helps people to understand that facing the death of a child alters people’s entire being. The loss will be with us forever. We don’t get over it, we just learn how to live with it. 
Loving you and missing you today and everyday Noah❤️

5 months = 152 days = 3648 hours = 218,880 minutes = 13,132,800 seconds. That is how long my boy has been gone.
I am sure it seems strange to many that I would even take the time to do the math, but to me it isn’t. You see, I miss him every single second, every single minute, every single hour and every single day. My heart just never stops aching, and the tears continue to flow. They come at the most random times, and sometimes at the “not so convenient” times. Those times when you are trying so damn hard to “put on that face” so that people think you are okay. That takes quite a bit of effort and energy. Those that are close to me know that I am not always okay, and I know they would do anything they could to take away this pain that envelops me. 
I have been so emotional this past week and not able to control it. I now get what seems to be panic attacks. My heart is racing, I feel light headed and it feels difficult to breath. Just another part of trying to figure out how I am suppose to carry on without Noah. Matthew and I were talking the other day about missing Noah and I said to him “I carried both of you. Noah was my first. He TAUGHT ME how to be a parent. He went through all the firsts with me.” He made being his mom an easy task. His easy loving ways, his huge heart, his ability to forgive. His way of finding the positive in a negative situation. 
This past week, we were honored to attend the B.C.I.T. convocation ceremony. The one that Noah should have been a part of. I cried because I felt angry. Angry that he wasn’t there to walk across that stage. I cried because I felt so overwhelmingly sad. Sad that he wasn’t there to walk across that stage. Two emotions for the same action. Rick and I sat there just as proud as all the other parents who were able to clap, cheer and yell out their child’s name in pride. I quietly whispered “I am so proud of you.”
I think one of the hardest pieces of grief to wrap your brain around is the constant wondering. Wondering who would have been our daughter in law. Wondering how many children he would have had. Wondering if he would have walked in to our house at 30 or 40 or 50 years old, and still given me one of his amazing hugs and a “hook.” Wondering if he would carry on the “hook” tradition with his own kids.
I can tell you with certainty that this thing called grief is painful, but I do believe it is only this painful because I love him with all my being. I miss you my boy, more than words can say. My life is forever changed in a way that I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to know, but I accept this because it means I loved, and loved well. ❤️

Today is a bittersweet day. On the one hand, it is my brother Rick’s birthday, whom I love so very much. On the other hand, it is 4 months today since our boy passed away and left me with a broken heart.
February 4th this year will be about both of you for me. I remember you saying that when you would come to my house, the love you received from my kids would “fill you up.” You could arrive feeling empty some days, but leave full, full of love to carry you through. Noah loved you so much and just wanted you to have Peace in your life and feel “full” all the time. My wish for you is the same. 
On the day we said good-bye to Noah, I saw the pain that his leaving us brought you, and so many others as well. You spoke so beautifully about him, and for that I love you even more. I truly hope that this next chapter in your life brings you whatever it is you need to “fill you up” and keep you “full” every single day❤️ Happy Birthday Rick. xoxo
As I sit here in the quiet, I feel tears burning my eyes and I have to just let them flow. I have cried so many tears over the past 4 months, more than I have probably cried in my lifetime. There is no way to make sense of losing your child. You look around you and see people’s lives carrying on, and it probably looks like we are doing the same, however the difference is that our “carrying on” is so physically exhausting. I am sure the weight that is exhausting us is the undying love for Noah that we use to be able to share with him everyday. I will continue to carry that until the day that I can be with him and shower him with it.
I miss you terribly my boy, and I love you to the moon and back❤️💔❤️

3 months today since you passed away, and 3 months of me trying to learn to live without you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and feel that horrible ache in my heart. I have faced challenges in my life but grief has got to be the biggest one, and it has forever changed me. People ask me how I am doing, and I say fine, but really I feel empty most of the time and most things don’t seem to matter anymore. I carry on because I have to, but I am no longer the person I was. I miss you Noah, more than words can say. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you always❤️💔

Two months ago today, I kissed your forehead, hugged you and said good bye. The pain I felt in that moment is still in my heart every single day. I miss you more than I can ever express, and I think about you always. My life is forever changed and I hate this new normal with a passion. I love you to the moon and back Noah. I just wish you were here for me to tell you that.❤️💔❤️