Grief and Social Media

When Noah died, I decided to search out grief groups on social media. I was not surprised that there were many to choose from. Some were groups based on how people died. There are groups for people who have lost loved ones by suicide or murder or SIDS, or a drunk driver. Then there are groups that are geared just to grieving mothers, or grieving fathers as well as groups that are for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one.

The number of people in these groups is staggering. I felt safe joining a few because I was just one person in groups made up of people from all over the world, so the odds of anyone knowing me personally were small. To this day, I haven’t posted Noah’s story, but I have sent much love to many people. In the beginning, I would read the stories about other people’s loved ones and I could so feel their pain and their despair. The people in these groups are so transparent and they share everything, because they just want to feel like someone is listening. Strange as it may sound, I felt like I belonged.

When I first joined these groups, I have to be honest and say that I had to scroll past some of the posts. Not because of the post itself, but because of the pictures that accompanied them. There are photos of preemie babies that have passed away, and pictures of people’s children in caskets. I couldn’t bear to look at them and I wondered, how they could post such pictures? Does this bring them peace? What is the point?

It took me a long time to be able to actually stop and look at these photos, and once I did I got the answers to my questions. You see, when you lose a loved one, your whole thought process changes. For these families, the photos are their memories, their loved one, the person they lost. For the mom who is cradling her preemie that passed away, that is her child. She loved that child before she met him, and this is the memory of meeting him for the first time. For the parent that posts the picture of their child in the casket, perhaps that is part of their closure. Who are we to judge? Who are we to question how these families grieve?

Child loss is the most traumatic experience a parent can endure. So many of these parents in these groups feel lost, alone, broken. I read more often than not that they just wish God would take them away and let them be with their child. Now for someone who has not lost a child, that may sound foolish or ridiculous, but to parents of child loss, the feeling is real. They believe that their pain will be gone if they can just be with their child. They question how they are suppose to continue on in this life, and does it get “better.” Grief doesn’t get “better,” it just changes.

I am learning that grief walks beside us every day. Some days we have a lighter step to our walk, and other days we feel like we are dragging cement blocks around our ankles. Some days our mind is quite clear and we feel high functioning, and other days it takes all the effort you have to take a shower and get dressed. Some days we can talk about our loved ones easily and fluidly, and other days as soon as we mention their name, the tears are coming.

I have learned that grief is now a part of me, and I am figuring out how to live along side it rather than in it. It has changed who I am, how I interact with others, and who I choose to have in my circle. I am trying everyday to live how Noah would want me to, but I am not going to lie, it is hard. All I can hope for is that over time, it gets better, easier. I do know that now when I read these people’s stories, I read them with compassion and love, because I too am a grieving parent and they are counting on me to just be there. The next time someone you know loses a loved one, remember that it doesn’t matter whether it was a child, aunt, uncle, grandma, parent, spouse or friend, the grief is real and it is raw. Be kind, and just be there in the wings, ready for when they need you, because they will.