“The Day”

The emotional rollercoaster of grief is exhausting. I am 2 weeks away from “the day” and I am all over the map with my emotions. I drove home from my trailer today, which is an hour and a half drive, and I cried all the way. Silent, warm tears just falling from my eyes.

I would imagine that many people would think that by now, almost 2 years, that I should be moving on with my life. 2 years is a long time, but when you lose a child, it is like time stands still. You replay that moment over and over in your mind. I get flashbacks still of seeing Noah in the hospital, lifeless, and hearing his brother letting out guttural cries on the floor beside his bed. I remember asking “what do we do now?” I remember victim services sitting with us, and all of it seeming so surreal. Then, we went home. Home without Noah.

Although there are days when you feel like your heart is shattered and the tears won’t stop, there are good days too. I have a job that I love, and I am surrounded by amazing people that I work with. The strength and love that I get from them is more than I deserve. They lift me up when I have fallen, and will wrap their arms around me without a second thought. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am on this journey without them, and for that, I am eternally grateful. My place of work is a safe place for me to feel everything, without judgement.

I have also realized on this journey of grief and loss, that I have tended to shelter myself away from people. I believe it is a protective mechanism, and it is one that I can control. I now realize that I don’t have to open my life to everyone, and I don’t have to apologize for that. My life was quite different before Noah died. There has been a shift in my relationships, and I allow myself to choose which relationships I am going to have. I wasn’t very good at that before. I have people that have been by my side from the day Noah died, and they still continue to walk this walk with me. I have others that have slowly faded away, and that is okay. I am sure I am not the best company for some, and perhaps those are the ones that feel I should move on, or perhaps they are uncomfortable around me because my child died. Believe me when I say this, I am trying to move on. Everyday that I wake up, is another day that I have lived without him and I am still here, surviving.

As “the day” approaches, I do worry that people will forget him. It is now my job on this earth to ensure that they don’t. Last year, I did a “Random Act of Kindness” day in Noah’s memory. I am going to do it again this year, because that is what he would want everyone to do. Those that knew him, would agree that Noah would give the shirt off his back to a stranger if they needed it.

As October 4, 2020 approaches, I ask that everyone keep my family in their hearts that day. We will continue to do what we do, which is keep his legacy and memory alive. I hope that everyone will join us, and do a random act of kindness in his memory. He loved life, and he loved people, so doing this is the best way to honor him.