I Am Tired…….

It seems that in grief everything is magnified. Things that would never have bothered me in the past, or that seemed inconsequential, now make me ponder and think. With that comes fatigue. Fatigue that never gives you a moment’s break.

I am tired…….tired of waking up each day and reliving the fact that you are gone.

I am tired…….tired of feeling a heaviness in my chest and an ache in my heart.

I am tired…….tired of forcing my mouth into a smile, when it is not how I feel.

I am tired…….tired of saying “I am fine, or I am okay,” when all I want to do is cry.

I am tired…….tired of laying awake at night, missing you.

I am tired…….tired of asking day after day for you to come visit me, yet you don’t.

I am tired……tired of waking up, and still feeling tired.

I am tired…….tired of looking for signs or waiting for that “feeling” that you are around me.

I am tired…….tired of trying to carry on each day as though you are here, and you’re not.

I am tired…….tired of waiting to hear you say “I love you mom,” one more time.

I am tired…….tired of imagining what your life would have been.

I am tired…….tired of trying to figure out “why you?”

I am tired…….tired of not having answers.

I am tired…….tired of feeling my own insecurities since you died.

I am tired…….tired of trying to stay focused and on task.

I am tired…….tired that I carry a sadness with me all the time.

I am tired…….tired of looking in the mirror and seeing that I have aged and look tired.

I am tired…….tired because Grief is so heavy.

I am tired…….tired because you died…….

I know that grieving is a process, and I know there are suppose to be so called stages. I also know that I will move through this Grief and come out the other side. As humans, we know the natural order and how that is suppose to play out. What we don’t know is how we will handle the curve ball thrown at you, when the natural order gets changed up, and you had no control over that. No preparation.

I will continue to wade through these stages so that I can heal my head. I do know though, that through this entire mess, my heart will always feel a piece missing, one that can never be replaced. That is the ultimate sacrifice for unconditional love.