My Birthday

November 6, 2019 was my 55th birthday. I really am not a big fan of birthdays anymore, well not my own anyway. I had the day off, and was envisioning a quiet day to just relax and not really do anything. The day did not go as planned.

On my birthday last year, I remember missing Noah, but I was still so very numb from his death. A numbness that stayed with me until this birthday. The night before my birthday, through tears falling on my pillow, I once again asked Noah to come and visit me in my dreams. I tried to let him know that was all I wanted for my birthday. I told him I needed to hear his voice because it has been much too long. I told him that I needed to feel his arms around me, giving me a hug. I told him that I wanted to be able to look into his beautiful eyes and tell him that I loved him. I told him that was all I wanted. Eventually, I fell asleep, but he never came.

On the morning of my birthday, I woke up with a sadness about me that I couldn’t shake. As I sat down to have my morning coffee, silent tears started running down my face. Eventually, they were a steady stream. They felt warm and as I closed my eyes, I could feel the warmth emanating from each individual tear. I remember thinking that I was glad they were warm, however I am not sure why. Maybe I thought that tears of love should be warm, just like your heart. I was sure that this waterfall would quickly pass, and I would “put on my big girl panties” and enjoy the rest of my day. I was so very wrong.

When I realized that these tears were not stopping, I thought perhaps it was time for me to have another conversation with God. Apparently he always hears you, and I was alone, so he was the chosen one. I was not nice to Him and I used some language that wasn’t very becoming. Here I was sitting on my couch, raising my voice at Him, and asking Him how can he think this is fair? How can He decide who goes and who stays? Does He not see that I have suffered enough in my life already? Does he not realize that taking Noah from me was the cruelest thing He could have ever done? Does he realize that I am suffering silently for so many hours out of every day? Does He realize that by taking Noah, He took a piece of me that will never return? Doe He know that I hate Him for what he has done to me and my family?

The conversation did not stop the tears. By the time I had finished having this one sided discussion, I was heaving and sobbing. The pain of missing Noah was crushing. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. This sadness stayed with me all day.

Thankfully, my mom called and invited me out for lunch. Change of scenery would probably do me good, so I took my crying self into the shower and just let the tears flow with the water. By the time I was ready to leave, I had myself under control, so I thought.

I get into my car, and the first thing I do is plug in my phone. I go to my music app, hit my playlist and hit shuffle. I have about 150 songs on my playlist. The first two songs to play, were the songs that Noah’s dad and I each chose for his Celebration of Life. I have to admit that I had thought to myself while I was getting ready to leave, how weird it would be if all 4 of Noah’s songs played in a row while I was driving. I held my breath as the third song started, but it wasn’t a Noah song. I quietly thanked Noah for letting me know he is around me.

I cried so many tears that day that my eyes felt like they weighed 10 pounds each. (I am sure I wasn’t looking the best either.) This birthday was so painfully different from last year. I have heard it said that year two is actually worse than year one. After my birthday, I am tending to believe that this could be true. It will be our year of “seconds” and next year will be our year of “thirds.” It is like counting your anniversary, only these “seconds and thirds” bring a sadness with them, not the joy like an anniversary.

After that first year of numbness, the days are becoming more clear. With this clarity comes an even deeper feeling of the loss because you are now “present” to feel it. You aren’t going around in a fog and just trying to cope. You are trying, really trying, to move forward and remember the good times that were shared with Noah, and there are many. Actually any day that you got to spend with Noah was a great day.

I will continue on this journey of grief and I will continue to try to keep my heart open. I know that some days are going to be darker than others, and I have to allow that to happen. I don’t believe that suppressing feelings and emotions is a step in the right direction. I will choose to embrace every feeling that I have and make my way through them, because to me this is how healing works. It will be a long road, and one that I know I am never on alone. Day by day, step by step, I will get there. I have to believe that.