Thankful For My Son

This was our second Thanksgiving without Noah. I tried to be “normal.” I was so proud of myself that I could eat his favorite dessert and not break down. Trying to be my “old normal,” I have learned, is exhausting and not possible anymore. My normal has changed, and along with that, so have I.

My emotions are right at the surface, and with that comes a vulnerability that I didn’t have before. With that comes an acute sensitivity that I didn’t have before. I use to be able to mask my emotions quite well, not anymore.

I am a “Facebooker.” Every day you can see your memories from the year before. I noticed the gap. The gap between the Thanksgiving before Noah passed away, and then this year. There was no memory from this day last year. Not surprising really, because I am sure I didn’t want to memorialize that day. It was a tough day. Fast forward to this year, and I didn’t post anything again. That is not saying that my weekend wasn’t good, it was. We had some lovely meals with family and great friends, but there is such a void for me now. I feel it even more so when there are gatherings. Noah loved being with family. It was important to him, and I remember that every time we gather. I miss his presence, and his laugh, and seeing him converse with adults one minute, and then turn around and play with the kids.

This year was different. I realized today that he wasn’t really spoken about all weekend. There were no memories of him talked about or shared. There is no blame, just sadness. I kept feeling like I just needed to be present, which I was in body but not in mind. I sat at my kitchen table, visiting with my sister, and more than once I had to ask her to repeat things. I was looking at her, but I wasn’t hearing her. I had this ongoing thought in my head that “maybe I am suppose to be done grieving now because it has been a year, or maybe people are worried about bringing him up around me.” There is nothing further from the truth, because talking about him keeps him alive in our hearts and let’s us know you haven’t forgotten him. As for “being done grieving”……..I don’t know if that will ever happen, because to me grief is love.

Because we are suppose to give thanks this weekend, I feel like I need to give thanks to the one person that is no longer here, my son Noah.

• Thank you for helping me learn how to be a mom.
• Thank you for loving unconditionally.
• Thank you for calling me every day and telling me you loved me.
• Thank you for knowing when I needed your hugs.
• Thank you for being kind.
• Thank you for standing up for the underdog.
• Thank you for being such a compassionate human.
• Thank you for never losing your giggle.
• Thank you for putting a note in my lunch.
• Thank you for watching all the Hunger Games with me.
• Thank you for your sense of humor.
• Thank you for your loyalty.
• Thank you for having such a big heart.
• Thank you for being a true friend to so many.
• Thank you for caring for me when I couldn’t care for myself.
• Thank you for being such a fantastic brother.
• Thank you for your humanity.
• Thank you for your generosity.
• Thank you for your willingness to help whoever and whenever needed.
• Thank you making me feel important.
• Thank you for being my boy.

We all have so many things in our life to be thankful for, but I wonder how often we stop to really think what those things are. The world is so much hustle and bustle, and not enough peace and solitude. In a world where there is so much strife for others, don’t you think we could all afford a few minutes to really give thanks for all that we have? To let the people in your life that you are thankful for, be told that they matter and they are important. Every day that you have with your loved ones is a gift, one that everyone should ultimately be most thankful for.

I received this message at the end of my Thanksgiving weekend:

“Keep close those you love. Maintain relationships that are healthy and loving and kind. The rest is wasted energy. You are blessed with a loving husband and a family that adores you, needs you.”

I needed that today.