There is life before Noah passed away, and then there is life after. The one before is full of memories, laughter, light, and love that all encompassed him. The life after is so different.
Memories are the life before. We don’t really reflect back on them as much as we should while all is good in our world. We go through our days making memories, but we aren’t thinking “we need to make memories, really good memories” so that if one of us should die, those people left behind will have so many happy thoughts of our time together. We just live, and while living we celebrate birthdays, holidays, weddings, family reunions, friendships. We all need these events in our lives because they keep us connected to those we love.
But what is the after called? You will still be making memories, but they have a void in every one of them. You try to do the right thing and live as you believe that person would want you to, but that is not always an easy task. You now cling to those memories, and hope you never forget them because that is all that you have left of that person. You talk about them constantly because you don’t want them to ever be forgotten and this is the only way you feel like you can keep their memory alive. You want to hear others say their name so that you know that they haven’t forgotten them either. In the “after” times, I find myself saying “Noah would have loved this” or “remember when Noah did _____.” Honestly, sometimes I find myself looking for him during the “after” because he should be here with me, making memories.
In the “after,” his birthdays are a harsh reminder now that he has died. Holidays are a harsh reminder he has died. Family reunions are a harsh reminder he has died. Dates on a calendar that I would have looked forward to are now so ominous and looming. I don’t get to make memories with him ever again. We try to celebrate him on these occasions, which is all that we can do, but it hurts like hell. We try to change these dates up, by altering our usual actions or activities because it doesn’t seem right without him to carry on as usual.
In everything we do as a family, we do our very best to honor him and have him remembered somehow. I try my hardest to put on the face and carry on because I still have people here that are counting on me. Sometimes, I would rather sit behind my blind-covered windows and just hide. It is exhausting living without someone you love. The emotions are right at the surface all the time. I find myself apologizing more now when I am telling someone something, and the tears start to flow. Why do I apologize? I am his mom, and the day he died, a part of me went with him forever. There is no way that I couldn’t have allowed that. I believe with all my heart that he needed that part of me, because no matter how old your child is, they will always be your baby and they will always need you, whether it is here on Earth or in Heaven.
As I move forward through this year of firsts without him, I have to remember to allow myself to grieve, and to cry, and to speak his name, and to reminisce with those that knew him and loved him. In reality, that is what I have left and I will keep him alive in everyone’s hearts by speaking his name.
Noah Lane Trulsen, you are so very loved and missed every single day, but you will live on forever in my heart.
A Mom's Journey Through Grief and Life 