8 Months Later

People say that time flies, but so many times in the last 8 months, it has stood still. It comes out of nowhere and it washes over me like a tsunami. I can be going through my day, thinking I am coping and managing pretty well, and one “moment” in time alters me completely and reminds me just how big the void is. It can be as simple as unloading the dishwasher, or cooking a meal. Then there are moments that aren’t about my relationship with Noah, but about the relationship he had with others and it affects me the same.
Matthew has been trying to decide what school to go to and at one point in our texts he says “Honestly mom, I wish I could ask Noah….he always knew what was best for me.” I replied with “What do you think he would say?” “Do what I want and not what anyone else wants……and that he loves me.” I was at work when this conversation happened, and in that moment, my heart broke for Matthew and I was reminded just how special their relationship was for both of them. Two brothers that had a bond so strong that was filled with love and respect for each other………..brothers first.
Through Noah’s death, we gained some amazing friends. We celebrated a graduation this past weekend with them. In the midst of it all, time seemed to stop, and I could imagine Noah being there and how he would be laughing, joking, hugging and being so extremely proud of Alyssa. There it is, the void.
We have plans throughout the summer that in the past included Noah, and I can already feel the void, and it makes me feel like I want to change them somehow, to something new, so I don’t have to feel the tsunami.
I have learned though, that the void or tsunami, is LOVE. Such immeasurable love for my boy. I know that I love him more than life itself, and each of these moments is just a reminder of that. I also realize that it is his love for everyone that was important to him in his life. Because I know this, I will continue through the rest of my life feeling these voids because my love for him will never end❤️