6 Months Later

6 months ago today, we faced every parent’s worst nightmare. I held Noah’s hand, told him I love him more than life itself, and kissed him goodbye. That moment in my life changed me. 
It created “triggers,” and even though I try to ignore them, they sneak up on me and create feelings and emotions that rip my heart and make tears flow. I try so very hard to go through the day looking “normal” because I see everyone else living their lives and carrying on. Isn’t that what they should be doing? Isn’t that what we should be doing? Of course it is, but my life doesn’t always feel that way.
The simplest of things are triggers of emotions. They are everywhere. When I dust the house and pick up each memento we have of Noah and lovingly clean it, when I cook a meal that was one of his favorites (and there are many), when we are watching a TV show and it replicates that night. The other day I drove by Twin Rinks and felt a flood of anxiety come over me because your mind flashes to those “moments.” Yesterday one of the children told me they loved my “angel wing” on my hoodie and that is was beautiful. I turned my eyes upward and said I thought it was too.
Every night, I kiss my pendant that I wear and say “Goodnight my boy, I love you.” Most nights I close my eyes with tears streaming down my cheeks. This is the time in each of my days that I allow myself to “feel” the ache of him being gone because during the day, I have to be present for others. 
There is also a quiet understanding now between Rick and I. At first, we would ask each other “are you okay?” when the tears flowed. Now, we don’t ask, we just know. We have learned over the 6 months that we both have triggers, and we know what triggers each other. We let the emotions come whenever, wherever because we need to in order to heal.
I share our journey with all of you because I hope it helps people to understand that facing the death of a child alters people’s entire being. The loss will be with us forever. We don’t get over it, we just learn how to live with it. 
Loving you and missing you today and everyday Noah❤️